Has A Tree Ever Fallen On A Golfer?

I got up at 5am this morning, did my exercises, cooked breakfast, showered, put on five layers of clothes and drove the 8 miles or so down to my new home golf course for an early tee time.

The forecast for today was a low temperature of 37 and a high of 43 degrees, 40-50 mph winds, and a 100% chance of rain. The periphery of tropical storm Noel was due to hit the Boston area.

Only it's not going to hit until at least noon.

And hold off it did, so far anyway. This morning temperatures were between 45 and 50 degrees, the wind was only blowing around 15-20mph, and there wasn't a drop of rain yet.

Teeing off at 7:30 on an empty golf course - I would be done in mere 2 hours. In fact, I once played 18 holes in 45 minutes but that is a tale for another day.

So at 7am, I was sitting in the parking lot, reading a Forbes magazine, when my playing partner pulled up. Yesterday I had told him "Saturday will be a test of golf manhood" and by showing up he passed section one of the exam. We were driving the cart up to the clubhouse and I giggled that I hadn't had a round rained out all year. It's been truly amazing; we beat the rain last week and were going to sneak another wonderful round on a wide open course.

Then the bad news came. The golf attendant was on the phone with her boss. They weren't going to let us play. We pleaded, reassured them we would be done in two hours but it was to no avail. They said we could go out and walk nine but weren't allowed to take a cart.

What?

The boss/owner said, "With the forecasted 45-50 mph winds, I am afraid a tree will fall on them...No carts. They can walk nine if they want."

Now we are pissed. It's okay to go out and walk the course and brave falling trees but for some reason we are more at risk riding in a cart?

What, do falling trees aim for riding golfers?

How do you respond to such asinine reasoning?

And how the hell is a tree going to fall on me considering that I play every second shot from the middle of the fairway?

Two years ago, I would've gone ape sh*t over this but alas, I am slowing getting inured to this Massachusetts bovine excrement. The course is quasi-municipal. The manager/owner doesn't care about revenue or common sense. Like every other bureaucratic, socialist clown up here he's worried about fantastic anomalies - falling trees and the like. Again, I submit to y'all that "legal liability" is hardly ever a legitimate excuse to cover one's ass - rather it's almost always a weak attempt to cover an empty skull.

Remember, this is the state that in parts has banned tag at recess, banned fluffernutter sandwiches, banned stressful honor rolls, cancelled football games for fear of mosquitoes, won't sell alcohol to 40 year-olds with out-of-state driver's licenses at Celtics games, and has authored innumerable more absurdities.

On the way out of the parking lot my buddy exclaimed that they should at least have given us a pass or comp for our next round. Now THAT was funny. This is Boston. This is essentially a municipal course whose only competition for golfers is one other municipal course (South Shore CC). There are really no privately owned (open to the public) courses in this area; hence a competitive, free, market for golfers doesn't exist. Customer service is a laughable concept where there's no consumer choice.

For sure, if we didn't show up and the course was playable - they'd have zinged my credit card for two greens fees. So in that vein, yes, they really should have comped our next round.



This reminds me of that Seinfeld episode where George, after having been charged for a lately cancelled doctor's appointment, got pissed at the doctor because she subsquently cancelled on him at the last minute of his next visit.

George triumphantly declared that he had a policy requiring 24 hours notice to be cancelled on.

Can someone tell me what episode that was from? I am going nuts trying to remember.

By the way, how many of you jokers can get up at 5am on Saturday with a mere four hours of sleep?

My mind and body are such finely tuned machines that they never need to rest!

(cross-posted on Marginalizing Morons)

Trull Brook, Tewksbury, Massachusetts

Last weekend I made a 52 mile jaunt northwest of Boston to play Trull Brook with a buddy of mine. The course is what I would call "Fool's Gold". Ranked as one of the "Best Maintained" courses in the state, it looks good but there's really nothing to it. The grass is lush and stands out only because they have irrigation - unlike a lot of other courses up north. But if you remember, one of my Hacker criteria is "You're more concerned with the beauty of the course than your score."

I couldn't give a hoot about how green a course is - especially this one.

Apparently the lush fairways really do attract the Hackers. It took us an astounding 40 minutes to play the first two holes. I have never, in my 20 year golfing career, seen it so bad. It was October 20th for crying out loud. Hackers abound usually in April and May (usually inspired by Tiger at the Masters) but by the end of the year, they've mostly tired of shanking and losing balls. It wasn't just one slow group either. We had a whiffer in the threesome ahead of us and meandering slicers, hookers, dubbers, and loafers visible in the groups ahead of them. I approached the ranger who was out there on the 3rd hole, I hadn't even said anything and the guy started screaming at me. At me! He told me that I wasn't going anywhere; it was weekend golf; and he was doing his job. I hadn't been patronized like that since perhaps the 7th grade. If it wasn't for the beautiful fall day and my high level of chi management,...I would have punched this Jurassic jerk upside his head. In fact, if he ever took that tact on certain other courses, say in South Philadelphia, he might be floating in a water hazard. This is an endemic problem in Boston - these losers have never been anywhere else, they are ignorant and unworldly - they are everything a "redneck" is supposed to be. I call them "bluenecks".

(One of my old Philly golf buddies did, in fact, strike an ignorant ranger with his 6-iron and started dragging him over to the "crick" to drown the scumbag. This was over at Cobb's Creek - a tremendous track that all true golfers will appreciate.)

It was a five hour round that while starting out inauspiciously, ended up not being so bad. Luckily the foursome behind us proved as just as slow as the Hackers in front so we were able to hit multiple balls and videotape almost all of our swings. In the course of all this tinkering, I figured out, er remembered, the X-factor. That would be referring to the hip turn as the first move from the top of the swing. The hard part is to turn the left hip without spinning the shoulders out; there has to be a small lag. If you do it properly you'll really feel the X-factor in your abdominal muscles, you know, they are under your beer gut.

I had two birdies and shot an 87 from the back tees. There were a couple of really tough holes, like the 200 yard par-3 pictured above. But there were plenty of crap little holes like a wedge par-3 and a 470 yard doglegged par-5 of which it was easy to cut the corner. I hit a driver over the short trees and only needed a 7-iron to reach the green. My buddy and I both missed every single put over 3 feet. The greens were green but TERRIBLE - bumpy, inconsistent, and as slow as my living room carpet.



Who cares how picturesque a course is when it takes 5 hours to play, Hackers are ubiquitous, and the greens suck? To boot, it cost me over $20 in gas and two hours in the car to make the 110 mile round trip.

What a shame, what an otherwise spectacular 70 degree day in October.

But you can't let the Hackers get you down!

Splash!

Maintain Your Spine Angle

One Piece Takeaway

Talented Shiftless Kids

Widow's Walk Progress

My new home course, Widow's Walk, hasn't been so welcoming.

My first round there netted me a 98! Okay, it's a tough track, winds were blowing 35 mph,...I had my excuses.

Round two there netted me a 101! There was no wind, no slow play, and quite frankly no excuses for that abomination. (I parred 3 of the first 4 holes to boot!)

Round three at Widow's Walk was one of my most depressing rounds ever. I also shot around 101 - probably a little worse. I was hitting the ball short and crooked all day. Now the course was in my head and affecting my swing. It's a humbling game alright. Twenty years of golf and somehow I couldn't muster bogeys. What, am I completely retarded?

Round four was this past Saturday morning. Here's what happened.

I had the first tee time (on the 10th hole) at 6:57 am. Of course they paired me up with strangers. One guy was sitting way back at the blue tees ready to swing. I introduced myself whereupon he said, "Hit back here with me...those other guys are playing way up front."

CaptiousNut - I can't. I have been stinking it up lately. What's your handicap? Have you played here before? It's pretty hard.

BoldYouth - Never played here. My handicap is five. It's only 6,400 yards from the back.

Now I am getting depressed. My terrible rounds hadn't even been from the back tees. I was skunking up a 6,062 yard layout. I thought about jumping back with him because that's where, outside this course, I always play from - but I just couldn't. I went to the white tees feeling pretty low about my game.

Anyway, this kid cracked the ball right down the middle and still had a 3-iron approach to the elevated, bunkered 10th green.

After that first hole I decided to go back and play the men's tees with the BoldYouth.

This kid was a legit five handicap. He hit the ball very high and very straight. He was definitely a better player than me. It might have gotten lost in the fog of my Hacking but I still believe I am a 7-handicap. So what did my talented playing partner shoot?

HE SHOT A 95 !!!

Meanwhile, I seemed to have found my game a bit playing an early round the week before at South Shore Country Club. My fourth round at Widow's Walk was a sizzling 88! I had to play darn well just to pull it off. Who would have thought the solution to my hacking woes was to go play the back tees?

Of course, there's also that inescapable aspect of playing better merely because I was playing with a decent golfer.

My New Favorite Player - Aaron Baddeley

I am no bandwagoneer. I have been watching Aaron's smooth swing for the past couple of years. I typically DVR the golf and fast forward to only watch a select few players swing and putt: Tiger, Mickelson, Vijay, and Baddeley. I have been cooling it a little with Vijay as he has gotten older and more slap-happy.

Of course Baddeley burst on the scene with Adam Scott a few years ago. They were supposed to challenge Tiger. It took a few bumps but both of them have started to live up to the earlier hype.

Watch the video.



Now on to Aaron's swing. I was shocked to hear (in the above video) that Aaron doesn't "transfer his weight". I have to think about that some more.

Coincidentally, I have been trying to shorten my swing and wrist cock so Aaron's "bunts" prove that one can successfully play taking half swings.

Tiger actually has a very short swing as well - I mean very short wrist cock. It's just that he turns his back so much that the club ends up pointing down the line at the top of his swing anyway.

Sometimes analyzing these guys' swings doesn't help. If they all had the same exact swing it would simplify things. Pretty much, whatever your bad habit or quirk, there is some pro getting away with it and making money.

Watch the video below to see the different angle of Rory Sabbatini's left arm at the top of his backswing. Instead of pointing "flatly" like Aaron's, his arm is pointing almost straight up into the sky.



There's no way Rory's loopy swing will hold up over time.

Oh wait, I forget about Jim Furyk and his long, fruitful career.

Jackpot - Widow's Walk

I just moved to the south shore of Boston and unfortunately there aren't too many public courses around here. I now live right between the South Shore Country Club in Hingham and Widow's Walk GC in Scituate. Early this morning I ventured out to Widow's Walk and teed off at 6:39am.

What a treat this course is. It's just like Montauk Downs with the strong ocean breezes and course layout but it's much harder. I had to shoot in the mid-90s today. As of now I am still afraid to total the scorecard. Not only was I playing a difficult course for the first time, we were rocked by 35mph winds today. The greens are absolutely some of the best I have ever played on. This is now my home course so I will have plenty more to say about it in the future. But already I am thinking it may in fact be the best course that I have ever played.

To move (blindly) out to a new area and find such a gem is like hitting the jackpot as far as I am concerned. (only $58 with a cart on a weekend!)

One Swing Thought?

Click the pic to enlarge.

I guess I have to post this classic video with that pic.



Remember that swing thoughts are 95% bad. Ideally, you should get the kinks out on the range and have nothing burdening your mind while on the course.

I guess the only "thought" that I would permit my pupils is this:

Decide whether you are going to take a 7:30, 9:00, or 10:30 swing length.

(I have also added the 8:15 and 9:45 swings.)

Of course this is Dave Pelz's theory of club swinging, primarily for calibrating wedgeplay. I have also heard Tiger on television talking about "the hands of the clock".

Recently I have been applying it to my entire game. I have been spending all my time on the range taking 7:30 and 8:15 swings from wedge right up through my 2-iron and driver. It does wonders for your rhythm - try it out.

It makes sense too. Figure that if you can't make a short swing with a club, any club, and hit the ball cleanly, straight, high, and without sidespin, then what business do you have thinking you can master a full swing?

Without getting too technical about mechanics, I believe that primarily two things are the bane of the Hacker,

1) Full swing practice before short swing mastery.
2) Target-based ball beating, rather than process-based practice.

More on this later.

Montauk Downs - It's Better Than Bethpage

Last night I put my book down and went to bed at 2:30am. I hurried to turn my ringing alarm clock off at 4am so as to not wake my kids. Inhaling two eggs, I was out the door and on the road at 4:35am. I was heading to Montauk Downs - a gem of a golf course. I believe it's consistently ranked in the top fifty public courses in America.

Like Bethpage, it's owned and run by the state of New York. Tee times essentially don't exist. It's first come, first serve. Show up a little late and you could be waiting a few hours before you tee off.

I am on vacation in "nearby" Southampton. GoogleMaps indicates that even way out here, it's still a 30 mile, 54 minute drive.



Montauk is REMOTE. It's at the easternmost tip of Long Island - a full 119 miles from Manhattan. In fact, it's so far out, that it's actually much closer to Newport, RI (40 airborne miles) than it is to the Big Apple.

Almost halfway to the course I arrive in East Hampton. Thus far, I have seen more deer(5) than cars(4) at this wee hour of the morning.

I got to Montauk Downs at 5:20am - 5 minutes after the clubhouse opened. (How would you like to punch the clock at this course?) They slotted me in for the second tee time at 5:54am. After a 25 minute fog delay, we smacked our drivers down the first hole with only about 125 yards of visibility.

This course is pure beauty. Because it's so exposed to the ocean (on the north and the south), the winds, fog, and clouds roll in and out all day long. There's a British Open kind of feel that I have never experienced in my geographically-limited playing career. Also, last year, I must have seen twenty deer on the course during one round.

Ah,...last year. That's a round I'd like to forget. Played in the rain and shot ninety-something - a disaster for a self-estimated 8-handicap like myself.

Montauk Downs is one difficult golf track. It's 6614 yards and totes a slope of 139. (I am not sure if the slope accounts for the consistently changeable weather conditions either.) Forget the numbers, every time I have played this course it's summarily kicked my butt.

That is, until today.

I birdied the first hole in the fog and added three more later on. I can't remember the last time I had four birds in one round. Only once have I made five in a round - that was at Wyncote GC outside of Philadelphia. Today I carded a five-over 77 that, all things considered, was one of the best rounds I have ever played.

Here, I ripped a few pics off the website.

This first photo is of the 7th hole. It's a tantalizing par-5 with water in play on your tee shot, on any bold reach for green in two, and on all boring lay-up shots down the narrow right hand side.











This last pic is of the par-3 twelfth. The photo illustrates the abundant and cavernous greenside bunkering to be found throughout the course, but it does not convey the elevation change and in-your-face wind on this fierce par-3. Today it demanded a 2-iron, as did the par-3 14th which also had the added drama of water alongside the green.

What could possibly be better than paying $52 to play a top fifty course and shooting one of your best career rounds?

It almost makes you forget about all your bad rounds and all the frustration you've endured over the years.

To think that I once played Montauk so poorly that I seriously thought about quitting the game the whole torturesome ride home - which unlike the trip there, can't avoid the brutal summer vacation traffic.

Marginalizing Caddies

So yesterday I went to the public driving range opposite the famed Shinnecock Hills GC, site of a few recent US Opens - ('86, '95, '04).

I haven't even hit one ball yet and some idler there with summer teeth ("some are here, some are there") started making unintelligible communication with me. I did my best to sever the conversation - and actually had to let him try out my 3-wood to get the job done. What did I care? It was a worthless 20-year old Taylor Made Burner that, had he started running with it, I'd have scarcely blinked an eye.

I eventually got to hitting my balls but he was still trying to talk to me. Successfully ignoring him, he moved on to harassing somebody else. He stood behind a poor Hacker, laughed, and exclaimed,

Toothless Wonder - What, is this the first day you've ever played golf?

Don't bet that plaque hijacked all his missing teeth; I am sure this clown has been punched more than a few times.

Anyway, to keep a short story short...



After I was almost done hitting my balls I ended up talking to the agitator. Turns out, he's a caddy and works across the street at Shinnecock. He name dropped all the big shots that he's supposedly caddied for. For example,

CaptiousNut - Ever caddy for Rush Limbaugh? I heard he plays up here a couple of times each summer.

Billy the Caddy - Not up here. I caddied for him about ten years ago in Florida at Naples National.

CaptiousNut - What's he like?

Billy the Caddy - He's a cheater. You better not lose his ball. And when you find it, it better be fluffed up in a good lie... or, believe me, you won't get paid the same.

First of all, who is really the cheater? Who's bending the rules for an extra twenty bucks? Never mind.

Billy told me he makes $100 a bag caddying at Shinnecock.

For the record, the caddy rates when I was doing it at Worcester CC were $7.50, $8.50, and $9.50 per bag depending on your caddy ranking back in the summer of 1988. (Usually, with a tip I would get $10 total for that backbreaking work in 90 degree heat.)

Billy's credibility went from slim to none after he identified himself as a caddie.

You see, most professional caddies are clowns. Just think of Stan the Caddy as a useful stereotype.



Now I haven't used as many caddies as say Rush Limbaugh, but the few that I have come across have all been real screwballs. Once I was playing in a scramble at Lu Lu CC outside of Philly and even though we were riding, they forced a caddy upon our group. He was supposed to "carry the putters".

On the very first hole, the nitwit caddy stared out into the distance and proclaimed, "Golf.....I play this game..."

Caddies are just another argument for riding a cart.

He Should Have Yelled "Fore"

Watching it, at first I thought the ball bounced off his buddy and then took him out. But it seems the ball caromed off a pole near the other dude before returning to sender.

Paying to Work

I went to Butternut Farm GC in Stow, Massachusetts yesterday.

CaptiousNut - Hi, 10:15 tee time. I'll pay for one, riding.

Woman - That'll be $55.

CaptiousNut - Wow, it's cheaper than I thought (having checked rates on the website).

Woman - Well, it's a holiday (4th of July).

(long silent pause)

Woman - F*ck!!!

(Obviously she was undercharging golfers all day - charging them a normal weekday rate.)

My buddies asked me what happened. I confessed that I think I just cost us all some cash. One of them then asked her to undercharge us - since we shouldn't be penalized for honesty and she consented.

After nine holes I went back into the shop for some food.

CaptiousNut - Did you tell your boss what happened?

Woman - I just charged my credit card $480 - sixty golfers at $8 apiece.

CaptioutNut - Nooooo. Why? Did your boss make you pay?

Woman - No, he didn't.

CaptiousNut - Well, why'd you pay then?

Woman - It was a big mistake.

CaptiousNut - But it was an honest mistake.

What a dummy! For a nanosecond, I actually felt bad that she had paid for part of my round. Forget that. She's retarded and it is one of the true justices of this world that Morons and their money soon part ways. She was dumb to undercharge and dumb to reimburse.

Imagine paying $400+ to work for a day! She might even need a second job just to pay for this one!

I am going to have to call up today and find out what days she normally works so I can plan future, discounted rounds.

The course is very nice, tree-lined and Hacker-unfriendly. It's much nicer than its overrated neighbor Stow Acres.

Of course I had to cross-post this one on my Moron blog.

Who's a Hacker?

By no means is the following exhaustive criteria - it will be updated in the future.

You know you're a Hacker when:

You think "bend your knees and keep your head down" is solid advice.

"Mulligan" is in your vocabulary.

You're more concerned with the beauty of the course than your score.

You mark your ball directly beneath it rather than behind it.

You see nothing un-masculine with a pull cart.

You've occasionally played with an orange or yellow golf ball.

You play with an extra ball in your pocket. (by the way, that's illegal)

You tote a ball retriever.

You think the secret to lower scores is a new driver.

You rarely hear "good shot" after you swing.

You get extremely nervous on the first tee when it's crowded.

You're scared to death of bunker shots.

You subscribe to golf magazines.

You don't ever step foot on a driving range.

You think any bunker shot that lands on the green is a great shot.

You refer to a scramble as "best ball".

You go entire rounds without having to repair a ball mark.

You've had to go in the shop and buy more golf balls intra-round.

Every shot you hit, including putts, goes to the right.

You circle pars on the scorecard.

Hello Hackers!

I was itching to branch out and start pontificating on my favorite pastime. So yes, this is an offshoot of my world famous blog but no, it won't be more of the same - it'll be all golf.