We All Know The Feeling

Higher Than Ever - My Trajectory

On days I play golf, before I go to sleep I always think over my round and count *good* shots.

So what's a good shot?

Well, anything solid and straight - no matter the outcome. Even putts can count.

I usually dump about 7-15 shots into this mental category after each outing.

Scoring, as we all know, is something else.

I've been in a serious scoring slump for the past 8 weeks or so. But curiously, my confidence is at an all time high.

You see, I've made some wholesale swing changes, some swing *realizations* that I'm trying to adopt. Hence the erratic play I've been offering up.

This past Saturday was a perfect example. I had Xs on the two of ther first three holes (triples or whatever) and a couple of *foul* tee shots later on. Still, I went home very excited about my play because I made two terrific birdies and hit a handful of tremendous shots in between duffs.

I think I've finally discovered the source of my consistent inconsistency. And I owe it all to this blog. As I was writing a previous post, it hit me that I let the club float in my hands, I basically let it go at the top of my backswing....ON EVERY SINGLE SHOT, putts included.

So I've been working on swinging with the deadest possible wrists with great success. [This feels, to me, like an intense squeezing at the top of the backswing.]

My course has five par-3s, four of which are very difficult, very penal.

For 20 years I've been either pushing or pulling mid to long irons. I knew I sucked with those clubs, but was unaware of the extent. After all, they are the toughest clubs in the bag to swing, right?

Turns out, my flippy wrists were not only adding irremediable inconsistency to these shots, they were DELOFTING the club. Maybe if I had only played with scratch golfers I would have been more conscious of how low my trajectory was?

Anyways, with my new swing, I have been able to positively SKYROCKET these longer irons, once in a while.

I hit a few last Saturday, two 4-irons and one 6 iron, so well, that I've been thinking about my epiphany all week. The 6-iron was so tight, so solid that a hefty crosswind didn't budge it even though it went extremely high. (That was one of my birdies.)

We see what happens next time out.

BTW, I've been using my Dave Pelz Putting Track a few times a week and it's helping.

Wacky Par-3

Not that one...another.

Click here.

Shaker Hills

Shaker Hills has been ranked the *Best Public Course* in Massachusetts. Above is the signature 13th hole - a short par-3 that drops a whopping 90 feet tee to green.

I drove 65 miles to play it early the other day. Alarm clock went off at 4am.

So, is the course good?

Yes, definitely. I can see how it the *critics* can rate it so highly.

There are lots of elevation changes; tall trees line the fairways and preclude lofted recovery shots; the greens are fantastic; they are fast, sloped, and true; the clubhouse is nice; and it's relatively reasonable at $85 for a weekend round.

Despite some bursts of fantastic golf, I shot a disappointing 88 from the blue tees - which played a *long* 6500 yards on account of zero roll. I simply missed every single putt but one 10 footer on the first. This is a part of my game that's, still, in dire need of attention. I don't miss short putts and seldom 3-jack....I just don't EVER make midrangers or long bombs. Putting is 43% of the game, right? Over my golfing career I'll bet I haven't committed 5% of my practice time to it.

What's frustrating is that I KNOW what my problem is. It's handsiness once again. I flip the ball a bit; probably just enough to lessen solid impact; and just enough to twist the putterface at impact. Yeah, my misses are more to the right like a total bleepin' Hacker. That's it, my putting track is coming with me to the course every week henceforth.

It was tough to enjoy this round given my mediocre play, the long drive (got killed in *Cape Cod* traffic on the way back to boot), the five hours it took to play, and *cart path* only. Yeah the course was soaked from the preceding 6 weeks(!) of rain. I'm probably at risk of trench foot given how much of my past two weeks I've been walking around in saturated golf shoes. See my prior post.

Anyway, I can now cross this course off my list. I'd play it again but only if I was staying closer to it. There is another highly rated course in the same area called Red Tail that remains on the agenda.

By the way, anyone who thinks Shaker Hills is a *tough* course will be disabused of that misconception after playing Widow's Walk. Widow's is a good 5-10 strokes tougher depending on your handicap.

Point Sebago Golf - Maine

It's not bad. Point Sebago's golf course is ranked the best in Southern Maine according to Golf Digest.

I played the track four full times last week (3 eighteens and 2 nines) while *camping* there with my family.

It was completely underwater except for the greens which were surprisingly in good shape. So the 6,500 yards played rather long; and it was a tough slog with *cart path only*. Still, I thoroughly enjoyed my lonesome playing. That's right, I was the only one on the course most of the time. I didn't play one hole with another golfer; heck, I only played through one group all week. THIS is how golf is meant to be played!

As I said, the course played long from the incessant rain. Future readers take note that the past 5 weeks New England hasn't seen the sun more than a handful of times. Present-day readers know EXACTLY what I'm talking about - and they may never forget this horrible season.

The course was so long that it was extremely rare for me to pull less than a 7-iron out for my approach.

Nonetheless, my first round there was one of my all-time best. Having never played it before, and in those sloppy conditions, I shot 77.

My second round was *back to reality* - 88. Then I shot 81 and lastly 85.

By the end of the week I was fully spent and found myself aiming for the rough next to the cart path! I hadn't played 5 times in 6 days in probably 10 years.

I did plenty of tinkering, some successful, some otherwise, with my swing last week. I'll catalog my *thoughts* on my next post.

ESPN Dumps Golf

Today 48 year old Kenny Perry won the Travelers Championship with a record-breaking 22-under par total. Yet, even though there is NOTHING going on in the world of sports this time of year, ESPN's website doesn't mention the result. Click the image above to enlarge.

Furthermore, ESPN has buried the *golf* link on its site. No longer does my favorite pastime have a tab on the front page. It's actually quite a chore to find leaderboards and whatnot now.

This is yet another reason to boycott ABC/ESPN!

Messiah Golfing

First of all, he's standing on the wrong side of the ball....

Still Golfing

I am changing my approach to this blog.

Okay, no jokes about *what exactly was I doing?* with a sporadic 32 posts.

I started Marginalizing Hackers, and tried to get some help, because there were seemingly no good golf blogs out there. We were going to try to cover everything about the sport. But, bear in mind, that I have another blog that occupies my scant free time.

Now here's the change. I am going to post here my swing thoughts and struggles. Ben Hogan swore about the importance of keeping a notebook to remember what he was working on; what successes he had; etc.

After all, how many times have you gone into a golf rut for weeks that only ends when you remember a *fix* that has been needed before?

I know, me too.

So here goes....

Four weeks after setting a personal best at my home course, I have since been hitting it sideways.

My tee shot, which had been, not only splitting fairways, I was drawing it around doglegs at will....my tee shot has deserted me.

I think this past Saturday I may have figured it out after a post-round range session. My backswing was simply getting too long. More than I can count this one bad habit has been my downfall. If only I had *shorten backswing* tattooed on my arm!

Now for my short game:

Right now I am concentrating mightily on my left hand and its relationship with the club - throughout the swing.

Like most Hackers, I am and have been for 20 years....*wristy*. I pick the club up a little on the way back; the club *floats* in my hands at the top/end of my backswing; AND I flip the hands a bit through impact.

But, as a single-digit handicapper, my wristiness is quite subtle. In fact, I had to diagnose this problem completely on my own as none of the many talented golf buddies of mine has ever even mentioned my *handsy-ness*.

So, I am trying to keep the relationship between my left hand - up through almost the elbow - completely constant on my pitching (and chipping, and putting). It's not a death grip, though it feels like one. What I mean by that is that I think a strong grip in golf isn't one that applies a lot of direct pressure to the club. I think a *strong* or *firm* grip is one that doesn't let the club float in the hands on the way back; it doesn't allow the wrists to hinge or the hands to help at those points in the swing where a Hacker is most prone, i.e. at the initial takeaway, on the transition from backswing to downswing, and through impact.

I guess the mental image that I am using, is that I want my hand to feel like a piece of iron welded to the club.

And don't misunderstand. One needs really muscularly strong hands to pitch in this manner. But, if little girls on the LPGA Tour can do it, then we all can.

When any swing thought like the above is introduced, the risk is always added tension. One thing I've discovered to combat it is to focus on my shoulders. After gripping the club more *intensely*, I am trying to remember that the grip just holds onto the club. I am reminding myself to really turn my shoulder (get the left one almost under the chin) when pitching. So far these competing tips have worked nicely together.

But I still have to focus on taking the club straight to inside on the way back. My tendency is to take the club way outside on my pitches. I've watched the pros and NONE of them ever make the horrible swing path that I've grooved.

Why do I take the club so far outside? I am really not sure. I've tried standing an inch further back from the ball to no avail. I've also tried holding the club more vertically (hands higher) at address - also to no avail. Maybe my clubs aren't fit properly? After all, I just bought the set of Tommy Armour 855s as is and have done no research into the specs or my own measurements.

Tonight I was out pitching in my back yard and succeeded in finding a nice groove. I was focusing on my *iron* grip like I mentioned above; and I was using my shoulders nicely to get a crisp, heavy pop on the ball that went straight up and fell straight down with zero side-spin.

What I really discovered - I mean remembered - was to incorporate my abdominal muscles on each shot.

Yes, abs and X-Factor on 15 yard pitches. Worked like a charm, tonight anyway.

My goal is to become a pure, big-muscle golfer. Only they are capable of *consistency*.

As for my putting....that's been a problem recently too.

I have to find some time to use my Dave Pelz putting track. It works, but not when it's gathering dust!

So you get the drift. This blog is now my personal golf notebook. Hopefully I can keep it up, and shave a few strokes off my game.

Could Almost Be Real

A puerile golf buddy of mine, late into the extra beer-drinking nine, used to urinate in the hole. Then from the tee he'd eagerly watch the next foursome (our jabronis); he'd keel over laughing at the first guy who made a putt and had to pick the ball out of his Coors Light urine.

Me? When golfing I pee behind the *comfort station*.

Golf - A Great Game, An Irrational Business

Above is allegedly some failed Greg Norman golf/housing *development* in Bakersfield, CA. It was called McAllister Ranch and the interesting story is here.

And here's a great article on the plight of Central Massachusetts golf courses and country clubs - Economy Plagues Plenty Of Courses.

The *money* quote:

The good news is if you have the money, you can probably join any golf club you’d like. The bad news is you most likely don’t have the money.

And even beyond that reality, country club memberships, in the Northeast anyway, make ZERO financial sense.

Naples Golf Trip 2008

Alright. I am back from my annual golf trip to Naples, Florida.

I played really bad at the beginning but wound up in form.

First day I shot 90 at Miramar Lakes.

Second day I shot, er stumbled, my way to an abominable 93 at Tiburon. We didn't play the course there that hosts the Merrill Lynch Shootout - we played the other one, which sucked.

On the third day I decided to monkey with my swing; results came on the back nine. Still, I carded an 88 at Hide Out, Larry Bird's club. We played an additional 12 holes there and I really figured out my game. I put up a number of great shots; a couple of birdies. There were five of us that went out for that little match - all good golfers (and me). On one particular hole (the 6th) four of our fivesome actually birdied the hole.



It was during this extra match that I figured out my swing - for the week anyway. I just had to slow it down a full two notches. It really did the trick.

On Saturday, our last round, I shot an 80 at Lely's Flamingo course. Now THAT was more like it! To top it off, we went out for an additional 12 holes after that and me and my partner took $$$ from one of the best (former amateur champ) players in the Philadelphia area. I really got into a groove; stiffing pins and dropping putts left and right.

Here's what our golf cost us: $40, $65, $43, and $40. One of our guys, a member at the Island Club, gets us the generous *reciprocal* rates. That combined with the *off season* makes this one of the cheapest golf vacations around.

My hands are blistered and cut and my whole body aches. Saturday night capped our vacation off; we *went out* around 5th Avenue in Downtown Naples and didn't get home until about 5am.

I really need this trip because there might only be a month of golf left up here in the frigid Northeast - until April!

More from this trip will be discussed on Marginalizing Morons.

Davis Love III, Is He Done?

I just saw not only that he was playing in this week's Mickey Mouse "Wyndham Championship", but that he had only earned $346,481 for the year - which is essentially over.

His stats indicate a 146th place on the money list. His 2.94 birdies per round rank him 172nd on the PGA tour.

At only 44, he may indeed be finished as a premier player.

Long Island National

Somebody told me about this new course - Long Island National - nearby in Riverhead, NY. As much as I like Montauk Downs, I figured I'd give it a try. The first tee time was empty on Wednesday, so I raced down early in an effort to get out there first (and alone).

I was there before the pro shop attendant; and even before the sun.







I played lightning fast and pretty darn well, carding a 76 from the gold tees (6,238 yards, par 71, slope 126).

The course was pretty nice. As good as Montauk Downs? Almost. It's greens were truer, probably because it gets less play. It cost $89 (cart included) which is identical to Montauk now that I no longer get the massive NY State Resident discount.

Since it's a littler closer, the same price, and takes tee times, I think I am going to lean towards Long Island National from now on when I am in Southampton.

On the web, one review of this course said that it was expensive - $127 to play. Apparently, they drastically lowered their rates last year. Why is that?

Well, golf is a no-growth sport. People try it out; suck at it; get frustrated; and let their clubs rust in the garage. Then, about 20 years later, they try to sell their outdated sticks at a yard sale.

On Jack Nicklaus

I remember reading a book on Arnold Palmer years ago. One thing it described was a long-standing, intense personal animosity between Arnold and Jack Nicklaus. You'd never know they hated each other's guts for years by watching them chuckle together on television these days.

The media tends to glorify these guys but few of them ever deserve it. Here read about Jack Nicklaus being an SOB in this excerpt from my other blog - Marginalizing Morons.

The RJR Air Force was Johnson's ticket to the high life. Each weekend the planes disgorged Don Meredith from Santa Fe, or Bobby Orr from Boston, or the Mulroneys from Canada. The jocks of Team Nabisco were frequent flyers on Air Johnson. The Pope took excellent care of them, paying more for occasional public appearances than for an average senior vice president: Meredith got $500,000 a year, Gifford $413,000 (plus a New York office and apartment), golfer Ben Crenshaw $400,000, and golfer Fuzzy Zoeller $300,000. The king was Jack Nicklaus, who commanded $1 million a year.

Johnson claimed his jocks yielded big benefits in wooing supermarket people, but the line between corporate and personal services was a blurry one at RJR Nabisco. LPGA pro Judy Dickenson gave Laurie Johnson golf lessons. Gifford emceed benefits for Johnson's favorite charities like the New York Boys Club. A pair of retired New York Giant fullbacks, Alex Webster and Tucker Frederickson, maintained offices at the Team Nabisco office in Jupiter, Florida; Frederickson ran an investment counseling business from his.

For all the money Johnson doled out for Team Nabisco, some of the athletes weren't easily managed. Nicklaus was notoriously difficult. For one thing, he didn't like playing golf with Johnson's best customers, which was his highest and best use. And he considered himself above the task of working the room at some Nabisco function. Although he was making more money than anyone at RJR Nabisco except Johnson and Horrigan, the "Golden Bear" growled at doing more than a half-dozen appearances a year. After several run-ins with subordinates, an arrangement was struck where only Johnson and Horrigan could personally tap Nicklaus's services.



A million bucks a year to play golf six times with executives???

And he complained about it???

For you young-uns, that was a lot of money in 1988. Curtis Strange led the tour that year in earnings with $1.1 million.

That same year, Jack Nicklaus only made $28,845 in nine PGA events.

Greg Norman - The Way Of The Shark

A buddy lent me Greg Norman's book Sunday and I, well, read the entire thing in the afternoon. Sorry Greg, but your life story is speed-readable - all 300 pages of it.

But it was nonetheless an interesting read on a biographical level. Greg talks extensively about his failed battle against the PGA tour. His little tiff with commissioner Tim Finchem over expanding play into a "World Tour" is all by itself a case study in the tyranny of institutional bureaucracy and monopoly. We'll start with that first.

Back in the mid-nineties, Greg Norman had the idea to start a new series of professional golf tournaments. They would feature only the best 30-40 players in the world, have elevated and guaranteed prize monies, and be played all over the globe. Greg and his brain-trust had done considerable planning, sought out the support of his fellow players, and even had a lucrative television deal inked with the upstart Fox Broadcasting Network. Well, when the PGA Tour got wind of this development, they went ape-sh*t, to say the least.

The PGA used every dirty trick in the book to quash this rivaling development. They even went so far as announcing a similar "World Tour" right before Greg's scheduled public announcement.

They threatened to expel any card-carrying PGA players who partook in Greg's tournaments. They unleashed a bevy of legal pressure on Greg. They implemented a sleazy propaganda campaign from every angle: tournament sponsors, individual pro golfers, politicians (e.g. Senator Bob Dole), etc. And they took THE tack of dirty politics - they smeared Greg Norman, branding the new tour as a "money-maker" for him personally.

Anyway, the PGA won as none of the players besides Greg would stand up to it. One analog you could put forward is that it was like a failed unionization at an oppressive company. Norman's tour would have lavished an incredible amount of money on top players and loosened the grip that the PGA had on their livelihood. So what wasn't to like?

This isn't the place to go much further into detail but I want to point out that the PGA reacted to Greg Norman in the same exact manner as all large, powerful institutions do to their perceived competition. A few examples might be Microsoft destroying its upstart rivals (e.g. Netscape), the government school system attacking charter schools and homeschools, or the university/college system taking aim at "for-profit" education. The ultimate comparison is with the self-preservative bent of Big Government.

Repeatedly, the PGA propagated the talking points that Greg's world tour would "hurt the game of golf" and "hurt the many charities supported by the PGA". There's no difference between this tripe and the innumerable times politicians have raised fees and taxes "for the children", "for education", or "for the poor". Puuuuhhhleeeeeeeeeeeeezzzzzz!

Sheeple fall for this junk. Arnold Palmer, the 'old coot', stood up and vociferously denounced Greg Norman's idea. More accurately, the unthinking Moron became a megaphone for the PGA's talking points.

It's not really a surprise that the players abandoned Norman as they were threatened (with expulsion) and essentially in over their heads in this war of wills. Pro golfers beat balls all day - for their entire life. They aren't studying any of life's larger issues or realities. Greg knew that his golf career had a finite window and he was, at the margin, at least interested in maximizing his current opportunities. The other meatheads on tour, just like the average voter, hadn't the stomach to stand up for their own best interests. I won't elaborate here, but the PGA had very strict rules on how its members could and couldn't earn income. It was all about "brand protection"....sure.

What it was about was monopoly entrenchment - just like government agencies and not-for-profit foundations, no matter how well-intentioned their births, always morph into self-perpetuating monsters. Finchem's over-riding interest was to preserve the insulated and cushy status of PGA Tour management. As Greg put it, the Tour saw players are mere "pass-through entities".

The personal attacks and betrayal from the "World Tour" fiasco left Greg quite bitter and disillusioned. The salt in the wound is that even today, when talking about the PGA's "World Golf Championship" series, Tim Finchem has the balls to publicly thank Greg for his "support". It's all a crock. They never wanted to or did listen to Greg, nor was he ever asked to consult on how they were going to STEAL and implement his vision. The PGA has never apologized or reconciled with Greg Norman. These public displays of gratitude are nothing but continued giant middle fingers thrust in his direction. If I were him, I'd have knocked Finchem out by now.

Now let's get on to Greg at the personal level.

He's always been a *risk-taker*. His tales include death-defying surfing incidents, scuba gear failure 100 feet below the surface, shooting an attacking 10 foot black snake at close range, and a car accident where he drove home a hundred miles with a leaking gas tank. Though hardly Captious, he surely was a Nut!

For those of you unaware, Greg Norman was the best golfer in the world for a few years back in the 1990s. He was known as much for his successes as he was for some unfortunate "chokes" in the majors. He pretty much walked away from golf to run his little empire of business enterprises: apparel, clubs, golf course design, real estate, wine, etc. I have got to respect anyone who has the stones to essentially leave one comfortable field and seek out a greener pasture.

One point of note - Greg's philosophy does not include risking his own capital. He reiterates it several times in his book. On this he loses some respect from me. Despite his undeniable business success, a cynic might assert that Greg simply leveraged his celebrity status into lucre. As far as I am concerned, if Greg is as confident in his abilities as he admits (over and over again), then why wouldn't he ever put his capital where his mouth is?

Remember I am a solo trader. Trading my own money has given me all sorts of freedom (and risk!). So I am biased against those who traffic in OPM (Other People's Money).

But many days, I get the feeling that my go-it-alone approach may be completely stupid!

I have in fact resolved to start trading OPM in the near future when my kids are a bit older and I can devote more time to the markets.



Now the last subject on Greg Norman that I want to address is on the gossipy side - his personal life.

Almost thirty years ago he hit on a flight stewardess (how cliché!). They wed and had two kids. In the photo section of his book there are pics of his son and his daughter, but none of his oft-discussed wife. Right there I knew something was afoot. Throughout his autobiography, the way Greg was running all over the world chasing dollars I couldn't help but see a parallel to General Electric's Jack Welch. What kind of marriage and family life is possible when Dad is always elsewhere? Not a very pleasant or enduring one in my vicarious experience. Welch incidentally has been thrice married. Many athletes retire so they can spend more time with their family but Greg simply replaced one all-consuming passion (golf) with another (business). Seemingly, even when Greg wasn't building golf courses he was off on extended hunting and fishing trips. Most normal guys who merely hit the bar on the way home (for french fries) get an earful from their wives. Highly ambitious men and women simply aren't conducive to family life. They and their spouses simply grow apart.

My hunch was confirmed way back on page 291 where Greg mentioned his impending divorce from Laura, his flight stewardess wife of 25 years. It turns out, Greg was bopping his neighbor, tennis legend Chris Evert who's now 54 (pictured above). Chris was married too so a couple of marriages were ruined from this sordid affair. As of this post, Greg and his new love interest are supposedly engaged.

Now I don't know why any guy would marry Chris Evert with her record. Sure she was married to current husband Andy Mills for quite some time (by celebrity standards) but she was a "player" on and off the tennis court for decades. Her little black book is quite extensive: Jimmy Conners, Burt Reynolds, Geraldo Rivera, Adam Faith, Vitas Gerulaitis, Pat Boone, and John Gardner "Jack" Ford, son of U.S. President Gerald Ford. Then she married and divorced tennis pro John Lloyd before marrying skier Andy Mills the latest cuckold.

I guess one of the most prescient acts of the past century was Chris Evert keeping her maiden name upon marrying John Lloyd. Otherwise she'd be now known as "Chris Evert Lloyd Mills Norman"!!!

For you young'uns unaware, Chris Evert was the Maria Sharapova/Anna Kournikova of her day. She was one hot babe!



Greg Norman is nobody I'd be hoisting up on a pedestal - but you'll find his bio worthy reading - particularly if you, like me, have dual interests in golf and business.

Cross-posted on Marginalizing Morons.

Granite Links - A Good One

On Friday I played Granite Links a relatively new "upscale" track very close to downtown Boston.

It's 27 glorious holes built upon an old quarry. At $125 to play, it may be the most expensive course in the entire area.

High atop the border of Milton and Quincy, the course offers great panoramic views of the skyline and the ocean.

I had three birdies while carding an 82. Obviously, the course is not that hard! Next time I will have to play the 6,800 yards from the tips. Many of the holes were downhill and the wind wasn't particularly fierce.

Apparently, despite the great golf, convenient location, and a fabulous clubhouse, I believe Granite Links is, like most country clubs, hurting for members. The one time non-refundable initiation fee runs around $30,000 and annual fees are ONLY $4,900. That's as cheap as I have seen around here - for a course that surpasses most others. I believe there are no monthly minimums and no charge for a cart. My buddy, who lives in Charlestown, was tempted right then and there to threaten his marriage and plop down his Amex to buy a membership.



But, as you can see, he needs to spend some more time on the range.

AND, the math simply doesn't work. He'd have to play 40-50 times a year just to break even versus paying $125 as a daily fee customer. (Note that the golf season in Boston is only 5-6 months long.)

New Golf Terms

Below is an email forward that I found worth publishing. Take note of and try to incorporate some of these golf neologisms during your next round.

Golf has given us some unusual and colorful terms to describe shots -- shank, chili-dip, skull, duck-hook, worm-burner, etc. Lately, most of these have been a big part of my game. Here are some new ones to add to your
vocabulary:

• A *Paris Hilton* - a very expensive hole.


• A *James Joyce* - a putt that's an impossible read.


• A *Rock Hudson * - it looked straight, but wasn't.


• A *Saddam Hussein* - from one bunker into another.


• A *Yasser Arafat* - butt ugly and in the sand.


• A *JFK Jr.* - didn't make it over the water.


• An *Elephant's Ass* - it's high and it stinks.


• A *Rodney King* - over-clubbed.


• An *O.J. Simpson* - got away with it.


• A *Princess Grace* - should have used a driver.


• A *Princess Di* - shouldn't have used a driver.


• A *condom* - safe, but didn't feel very good.


• A *Brazilian* - Shaved the hole.


• A *Rush Limbaugh* - a bit too far to the right.


• A *Nancy Pelosi* - way too far to the left.


• A 'Barbra Streisand' - ugly but still working.


• A 'Teddy Kennedy' - goes in the water, but jumps out.


• A *Peewee Herman* - Too much wrist.

A Picture Is Worth...

...a thousand Chinese characters.

Michelle Wie turned eighteen in October. But that doesn't mean you aren't a perv for thinking those impure thoughts!!!

Quien Es George Lopez

To me, the only thing more torturesome to watch than women's basketball is Pro-Am golf. The PGA plays one tournament at Pebble Beach with celebrities and tycoons and another such animal is airing this week - The Bob Hope Classic from Las Vegas.

I will not watch them.

Who really cares about Bill Murray? He was washed up decades ago. Who cares about an analysis of Emmitt Smith's golf swing? But the absolute most irrelevant star of these Pro-Ams has been George Lopez.

Disney/ESPN shamelessly promotes Jorge during the Pebble Beach tournament, I guess, because they want viewers to tune into the George Lopez Show, a primetime comedy of theirs airing on ABC.

But George is simply not funny. And what could possibly be worse than an un-funny comedian? I have NEVER even heard anyone talk about his show - which was cancelled last year. Here's the story from Wikipedia:

In 2000, after several years of performing stand-up comedy, Lopez was approached by actress Sandra Bullock for Lopez to produce and star in a comedy. Bullock was concerned about the lack of Hispanic-oriented sitcoms on American television and pushed to get a sitcom on television that starred Hispanics but wasn't exclusively about the Hispanic American community. ABC, who had been criticized by Hispanic American groups for lack of Latinos on their television shows, quickly picked up the television series.



Aha! Just as I figured. George was not on television because he was an entertainment draw. He had his own show to satisfy a diversity initiative. With Latinos, Chicanos, and/or Hispanics such a growing (and kvetching) demographic, Disney just had to throw a bone and prop up this alleged comedian.

We are all prone to misunderstanding things outside our personal little bubbles. I really don't know anyone who has an iPhone or watches NASCAR, but I am aware that they are juggernauts. They say that George Lopez's show had "decent" ratings but I remain skeptical. I repeat - I have never heard or met anyone, heck I have never even overheard anyone talking about this clown. I do not dwell in the center of the Hispanic community but I do have Latino relatives on both sides of my married family.

Last year, ABC cancelled this propped-up show and replaced it with one based on the Geico caveman - no doubt to target the much bigger, Neanderthal demo.



George WAS NOT happy,

"I get kicked out for a caveman and shows that I out-performed because I’m not owned by ABC? So a Chicano can't be on TV but a caveman can? And a Chicano with an audience already? You know when you get in this that shows do not last forever, but this was an important show and to go unceremoniously like this hurts. One hundred seventy people lost their jobs. TV just became really, really white again."



By George, that's brilliant!!!

Whip out that race card, the very foundation of your fame.

The next thing you know, the show-less unfunny comedian has been made the new host of the Bob Hope Chrysler Classic. In fact they advertise it as, "The Bob Hope Chrysler Classic hosted by George Lopez".

Now, whether this came from Chrysler, the tournament, the PGA, or the television broadcasters I cannot say. Regardless, this Moron is still in the spotlight, making viewers across the land change the channel.

Believe me, the guy is NOT FUNNY. Watch this clip.



How annoyed were you at his 5 or 6 terrible jokes and the contrived laughter of the interviewer? This is just a taste of what four days of Pro-Am coverage is like when Lopez is playing.

Anyway, even if nobody watches George on TV, at least the diversity-fetishists like the NYT are happy.

Adding the comedian George Lopez as the host is part of the tournament’s attempt to stay current and become inclusive.

Crossposted on Marginalizing Morons.

Has A Tree Ever Fallen On A Golfer?

I got up at 5am this morning, did my exercises, cooked breakfast, showered, put on five layers of clothes and drove the 8 miles or so down to my new home golf course for an early tee time.

The forecast for today was a low temperature of 37 and a high of 43 degrees, 40-50 mph winds, and a 100% chance of rain. The periphery of tropical storm Noel was due to hit the Boston area.

Only it's not going to hit until at least noon.

And hold off it did, so far anyway. This morning temperatures were between 45 and 50 degrees, the wind was only blowing around 15-20mph, and there wasn't a drop of rain yet.

Teeing off at 7:30 on an empty golf course - I would be done in mere 2 hours. In fact, I once played 18 holes in 45 minutes but that is a tale for another day.

So at 7am, I was sitting in the parking lot, reading a Forbes magazine, when my playing partner pulled up. Yesterday I had told him "Saturday will be a test of golf manhood" and by showing up he passed section one of the exam. We were driving the cart up to the clubhouse and I giggled that I hadn't had a round rained out all year. It's been truly amazing; we beat the rain last week and were going to sneak another wonderful round on a wide open course.

Then the bad news came. The golf attendant was on the phone with her boss. They weren't going to let us play. We pleaded, reassured them we would be done in two hours but it was to no avail. They said we could go out and walk nine but weren't allowed to take a cart.

What?

The boss/owner said, "With the forecasted 45-50 mph winds, I am afraid a tree will fall on them...No carts. They can walk nine if they want."

Now we are pissed. It's okay to go out and walk the course and brave falling trees but for some reason we are more at risk riding in a cart?

What, do falling trees aim for riding golfers?

How do you respond to such asinine reasoning?

And how the hell is a tree going to fall on me considering that I play every second shot from the middle of the fairway?

Two years ago, I would've gone ape sh*t over this but alas, I am slowing getting inured to this Massachusetts bovine excrement. The course is quasi-municipal. The manager/owner doesn't care about revenue or common sense. Like every other bureaucratic, socialist clown up here he's worried about fantastic anomalies - falling trees and the like. Again, I submit to y'all that "legal liability" is hardly ever a legitimate excuse to cover one's ass - rather it's almost always a weak attempt to cover an empty skull.

Remember, this is the state that in parts has banned tag at recess, banned fluffernutter sandwiches, banned stressful honor rolls, cancelled football games for fear of mosquitoes, won't sell alcohol to 40 year-olds with out-of-state driver's licenses at Celtics games, and has authored innumerable more absurdities.

On the way out of the parking lot my buddy exclaimed that they should at least have given us a pass or comp for our next round. Now THAT was funny. This is Boston. This is essentially a municipal course whose only competition for golfers is one other municipal course (South Shore CC). There are really no privately owned (open to the public) courses in this area; hence a competitive, free, market for golfers doesn't exist. Customer service is a laughable concept where there's no consumer choice.

For sure, if we didn't show up and the course was playable - they'd have zinged my credit card for two greens fees. So in that vein, yes, they really should have comped our next round.



This reminds me of that Seinfeld episode where George, after having been charged for a lately cancelled doctor's appointment, got pissed at the doctor because she subsquently cancelled on him at the last minute of his next visit.

George triumphantly declared that he had a policy requiring 24 hours notice to be cancelled on.

Can someone tell me what episode that was from? I am going nuts trying to remember.

By the way, how many of you jokers can get up at 5am on Saturday with a mere four hours of sleep?

My mind and body are such finely tuned machines that they never need to rest!

(cross-posted on Marginalizing Morons)

Trull Brook, Tewksbury, Massachusetts

Last weekend I made a 52 mile jaunt northwest of Boston to play Trull Brook with a buddy of mine. The course is what I would call "Fool's Gold". Ranked as one of the "Best Maintained" courses in the state, it looks good but there's really nothing to it. The grass is lush and stands out only because they have irrigation - unlike a lot of other courses up north. But if you remember, one of my Hacker criteria is "You're more concerned with the beauty of the course than your score."

I couldn't give a hoot about how green a course is - especially this one.

Apparently the lush fairways really do attract the Hackers. It took us an astounding 40 minutes to play the first two holes. I have never, in my 20 year golfing career, seen it so bad. It was October 20th for crying out loud. Hackers abound usually in April and May (usually inspired by Tiger at the Masters) but by the end of the year, they've mostly tired of shanking and losing balls. It wasn't just one slow group either. We had a whiffer in the threesome ahead of us and meandering slicers, hookers, dubbers, and loafers visible in the groups ahead of them. I approached the ranger who was out there on the 3rd hole, I hadn't even said anything and the guy started screaming at me. At me! He told me that I wasn't going anywhere; it was weekend golf; and he was doing his job. I hadn't been patronized like that since perhaps the 7th grade. If it wasn't for the beautiful fall day and my high level of chi management,...I would have punched this Jurassic jerk upside his head. In fact, if he ever took that tact on certain other courses, say in South Philadelphia, he might be floating in a water hazard. This is an endemic problem in Boston - these losers have never been anywhere else, they are ignorant and unworldly - they are everything a "redneck" is supposed to be. I call them "bluenecks".

(One of my old Philly golf buddies did, in fact, strike an ignorant ranger with his 6-iron and started dragging him over to the "crick" to drown the scumbag. This was over at Cobb's Creek - a tremendous track that all true golfers will appreciate.)

It was a five hour round that while starting out inauspiciously, ended up not being so bad. Luckily the foursome behind us proved as just as slow as the Hackers in front so we were able to hit multiple balls and videotape almost all of our swings. In the course of all this tinkering, I figured out, er remembered, the X-factor. That would be referring to the hip turn as the first move from the top of the swing. The hard part is to turn the left hip without spinning the shoulders out; there has to be a small lag. If you do it properly you'll really feel the X-factor in your abdominal muscles, you know, they are under your beer gut.

I had two birdies and shot an 87 from the back tees. There were a couple of really tough holes, like the 200 yard par-3 pictured above. But there were plenty of crap little holes like a wedge par-3 and a 470 yard doglegged par-5 of which it was easy to cut the corner. I hit a driver over the short trees and only needed a 7-iron to reach the green. My buddy and I both missed every single put over 3 feet. The greens were green but TERRIBLE - bumpy, inconsistent, and as slow as my living room carpet.



Who cares how picturesque a course is when it takes 5 hours to play, Hackers are ubiquitous, and the greens suck? To boot, it cost me over $20 in gas and two hours in the car to make the 110 mile round trip.

What a shame, what an otherwise spectacular 70 degree day in October.

But you can't let the Hackers get you down!

Splash!

Maintain Your Spine Angle

One Piece Takeaway

Talented Shiftless Kids