One Swing Thought?

Click the pic to enlarge.

I guess I have to post this classic video with that pic.



Remember that swing thoughts are 95% bad. Ideally, you should get the kinks out on the range and have nothing burdening your mind while on the course.

I guess the only "thought" that I would permit my pupils is this:

Decide whether you are going to take a 7:30, 9:00, or 10:30 swing length.

(I have also added the 8:15 and 9:45 swings.)

Of course this is Dave Pelz's theory of club swinging, primarily for calibrating wedgeplay. I have also heard Tiger on television talking about "the hands of the clock".

Recently I have been applying it to my entire game. I have been spending all my time on the range taking 7:30 and 8:15 swings from wedge right up through my 2-iron and driver. It does wonders for your rhythm - try it out.

It makes sense too. Figure that if you can't make a short swing with a club, any club, and hit the ball cleanly, straight, high, and without sidespin, then what business do you have thinking you can master a full swing?

Without getting too technical about mechanics, I believe that primarily two things are the bane of the Hacker,

1) Full swing practice before short swing mastery.
2) Target-based ball beating, rather than process-based practice.

More on this later.

Montauk Downs - It's Better Than Bethpage

Last night I put my book down and went to bed at 2:30am. I hurried to turn my ringing alarm clock off at 4am so as to not wake my kids. Inhaling two eggs, I was out the door and on the road at 4:35am. I was heading to Montauk Downs - a gem of a golf course. I believe it's consistently ranked in the top fifty public courses in America.

Like Bethpage, it's owned and run by the state of New York. Tee times essentially don't exist. It's first come, first serve. Show up a little late and you could be waiting a few hours before you tee off.

I am on vacation in "nearby" Southampton. GoogleMaps indicates that even way out here, it's still a 30 mile, 54 minute drive.



Montauk is REMOTE. It's at the easternmost tip of Long Island - a full 119 miles from Manhattan. In fact, it's so far out, that it's actually much closer to Newport, RI (40 airborne miles) than it is to the Big Apple.

Almost halfway to the course I arrive in East Hampton. Thus far, I have seen more deer(5) than cars(4) at this wee hour of the morning.

I got to Montauk Downs at 5:20am - 5 minutes after the clubhouse opened. (How would you like to punch the clock at this course?) They slotted me in for the second tee time at 5:54am. After a 25 minute fog delay, we smacked our drivers down the first hole with only about 125 yards of visibility.

This course is pure beauty. Because it's so exposed to the ocean (on the north and the south), the winds, fog, and clouds roll in and out all day long. There's a British Open kind of feel that I have never experienced in my geographically-limited playing career. Also, last year, I must have seen twenty deer on the course during one round.

Ah,...last year. That's a round I'd like to forget. Played in the rain and shot ninety-something - a disaster for a self-estimated 8-handicap like myself.

Montauk Downs is one difficult golf track. It's 6614 yards and totes a slope of 139. (I am not sure if the slope accounts for the consistently changeable weather conditions either.) Forget the numbers, every time I have played this course it's summarily kicked my butt.

That is, until today.

I birdied the first hole in the fog and added three more later on. I can't remember the last time I had four birds in one round. Only once have I made five in a round - that was at Wyncote GC outside of Philadelphia. Today I carded a five-over 77 that, all things considered, was one of the best rounds I have ever played.

Here, I ripped a few pics off the website.

This first photo is of the 7th hole. It's a tantalizing par-5 with water in play on your tee shot, on any bold reach for green in two, and on all boring lay-up shots down the narrow right hand side.











This last pic is of the par-3 twelfth. The photo illustrates the abundant and cavernous greenside bunkering to be found throughout the course, but it does not convey the elevation change and in-your-face wind on this fierce par-3. Today it demanded a 2-iron, as did the par-3 14th which also had the added drama of water alongside the green.

What could possibly be better than paying $52 to play a top fifty course and shooting one of your best career rounds?

It almost makes you forget about all your bad rounds and all the frustration you've endured over the years.

To think that I once played Montauk so poorly that I seriously thought about quitting the game the whole torturesome ride home - which unlike the trip there, can't avoid the brutal summer vacation traffic.

Marginalizing Caddies

So yesterday I went to the public driving range opposite the famed Shinnecock Hills GC, site of a few recent US Opens - ('86, '95, '04).

I haven't even hit one ball yet and some idler there with summer teeth ("some are here, some are there") started making unintelligible communication with me. I did my best to sever the conversation - and actually had to let him try out my 3-wood to get the job done. What did I care? It was a worthless 20-year old Taylor Made Burner that, had he started running with it, I'd have scarcely blinked an eye.

I eventually got to hitting my balls but he was still trying to talk to me. Successfully ignoring him, he moved on to harassing somebody else. He stood behind a poor Hacker, laughed, and exclaimed,

Toothless Wonder - What, is this the first day you've ever played golf?

Don't bet that plaque hijacked all his missing teeth; I am sure this clown has been punched more than a few times.

Anyway, to keep a short story short...



After I was almost done hitting my balls I ended up talking to the agitator. Turns out, he's a caddy and works across the street at Shinnecock. He name dropped all the big shots that he's supposedly caddied for. For example,

CaptiousNut - Ever caddy for Rush Limbaugh? I heard he plays up here a couple of times each summer.

Billy the Caddy - Not up here. I caddied for him about ten years ago in Florida at Naples National.

CaptiousNut - What's he like?

Billy the Caddy - He's a cheater. You better not lose his ball. And when you find it, it better be fluffed up in a good lie... or, believe me, you won't get paid the same.

First of all, who is really the cheater? Who's bending the rules for an extra twenty bucks? Never mind.

Billy told me he makes $100 a bag caddying at Shinnecock.

For the record, the caddy rates when I was doing it at Worcester CC were $7.50, $8.50, and $9.50 per bag depending on your caddy ranking back in the summer of 1988. (Usually, with a tip I would get $10 total for that backbreaking work in 90 degree heat.)

Billy's credibility went from slim to none after he identified himself as a caddie.

You see, most professional caddies are clowns. Just think of Stan the Caddy as a useful stereotype.



Now I haven't used as many caddies as say Rush Limbaugh, but the few that I have come across have all been real screwballs. Once I was playing in a scramble at Lu Lu CC outside of Philly and even though we were riding, they forced a caddy upon our group. He was supposed to "carry the putters".

On the very first hole, the nitwit caddy stared out into the distance and proclaimed, "Golf.....I play this game..."

Caddies are just another argument for riding a cart.

He Should Have Yelled "Fore"

Watching it, at first I thought the ball bounced off his buddy and then took him out. But it seems the ball caromed off a pole near the other dude before returning to sender.

Paying to Work

I went to Butternut Farm GC in Stow, Massachusetts yesterday.

CaptiousNut - Hi, 10:15 tee time. I'll pay for one, riding.

Woman - That'll be $55.

CaptiousNut - Wow, it's cheaper than I thought (having checked rates on the website).

Woman - Well, it's a holiday (4th of July).

(long silent pause)

Woman - F*ck!!!

(Obviously she was undercharging golfers all day - charging them a normal weekday rate.)

My buddies asked me what happened. I confessed that I think I just cost us all some cash. One of them then asked her to undercharge us - since we shouldn't be penalized for honesty and she consented.

After nine holes I went back into the shop for some food.

CaptiousNut - Did you tell your boss what happened?

Woman - I just charged my credit card $480 - sixty golfers at $8 apiece.

CaptioutNut - Nooooo. Why? Did your boss make you pay?

Woman - No, he didn't.

CaptiousNut - Well, why'd you pay then?

Woman - It was a big mistake.

CaptiousNut - But it was an honest mistake.

What a dummy! For a nanosecond, I actually felt bad that she had paid for part of my round. Forget that. She's retarded and it is one of the true justices of this world that Morons and their money soon part ways. She was dumb to undercharge and dumb to reimburse.

Imagine paying $400+ to work for a day! She might even need a second job just to pay for this one!

I am going to have to call up today and find out what days she normally works so I can plan future, discounted rounds.

The course is very nice, tree-lined and Hacker-unfriendly. It's much nicer than its overrated neighbor Stow Acres.

Of course I had to cross-post this one on my Moron blog.

Who's a Hacker?

By no means is the following exhaustive criteria - it will be updated in the future.

You know you're a Hacker when:

You think "bend your knees and keep your head down" is solid advice.

"Mulligan" is in your vocabulary.

You're more concerned with the beauty of the course than your score.

You mark your ball directly beneath it rather than behind it.

You see nothing un-masculine with a pull cart.

You've occasionally played with an orange or yellow golf ball.

You play with an extra ball in your pocket. (by the way, that's illegal)

You tote a ball retriever.

You think the secret to lower scores is a new driver.

You rarely hear "good shot" after you swing.

You get extremely nervous on the first tee when it's crowded.

You're scared to death of bunker shots.

You subscribe to golf magazines.

You don't ever step foot on a driving range.

You think any bunker shot that lands on the green is a great shot.

You refer to a scramble as "best ball".

You go entire rounds without having to repair a ball mark.

You've had to go in the shop and buy more golf balls intra-round.

Every shot you hit, including putts, goes to the right.

You circle pars on the scorecard.

Hello Hackers!

I was itching to branch out and start pontificating on my favorite pastime. So yes, this is an offshoot of my world famous blog but no, it won't be more of the same - it'll be all golf.